Mealtime Behavior

Dear Nanette,

My 3 ½ year old won’t stay in his chair during dinner. He is constantly getting up and running around. My husband is becoming frustrated and dinner isn’t the peaceful, family time we envisioned. Can you help us?

Frustrated parents

Dear Frustrated,

Research has shown that family dinners are important for children so your goal of peaceful, family time is important, but it will take work, consistency, and patience to make it a reality. Here are the steps to achieve your goal.

1. It is important that children have a comfortable seat at the table. A booster seat is important because it brings children to the proper height at the table. Think about the way you would feel if your chin only reached the table top. It has the added feature of a belt that is fastened to keep the child safe and in their seat during meals and snacks.

2. Whether it is snack or a meal, the same procedures must be applied consistently.

3. The child should always have an adult seating with them at the table while the new behavior is established.

4. Turn off the television and make the eating area a toy free zone.

5. Before the meal starts, tell the child that everyone remains seated at the table during meal or snack time and that the meal or snack is done when a person leaves the table whether or not food is finished. Saturday morning is a good time to initiate the new routine because that allows the whole weekend to practice.

6. Establish a routine for leaving the table. Children may ask to be excused or indicate they are done eating, and the adult gives permission for the child to leave.

7. Children take their plate to the kitchen as part of the clean up process. This helps reinforce that the meal is done.

8. If your child says he is done before you think he has eaten enough, remind him of the time of the next meal or snack. If he insists he is done, allow him to clean up his space. Wait until the next meal time even if he insists he is starving. He won’t starve, and you can remove yourself from the situation by setting a timer for the next meal.

9. Use affirmations (descriptive language) not rewards. “I see you sat for the whole meal, remembered to ask to be excused, and cleaned your place!” You want to avoid, “If you eat dinner, you can have dessert.”

10. At the next meal, remind your child that when he gets up, the meal is over.

11. Be sure to engage your child in the conversation during meals, and allow enough time for all to eat leisurely. Talk about the food and the way it was made or the ingredients.

12. Be a good role model. Sit down whenever you eat. It is a powerful message to be eating a cereal bar as you are walking out the door.

Depending upon the nature of the child and the length of time that the old behavior has been occurring, it can take three to thirty days to establish a new behavior, and remember that each time there is a lapse, you start over. Be consistent and persistent and soon you will have a peaceful, family mealtime.

Bon Appétit,
Nanette