Ages and Stages-Twelve through Eighteen

The work of the child at this stage is to:

To continue on the road of independence
To integrate sexuality into identity
To develop emotional separation from family
To take on more responsibility within the family
To be responsible for own needs, feelings, and behaviors as they go out into world
To develop moral thinking
To participate in family rituals and celebrations
To disagree and still beloved
To emerge as a separate, independent person with own identity and values within the context of the family

At this stage, children repeat the being and doing the tasks of infancy and childhood.

At the onset of puberty:
Sometimes they are independent and sometimes want to be cared for.
They explore new areas without being concerned with standards or finishing.
At fourteen, the revisit tasks of a two-year old, independent thinking:
They are reasonable and competent with intermittent rebellious outbursts.

At the ages fourteen through seventeen, they revisit the ages of the three to five-year old, identity and power.
They ask questions, “Why? and “How come?”
They work out new role identity with same sex and with opposite sex with both peers and adults.
They work on solving complex problems.

At ages sixteen through eighteen, they revisit the tasks of the six to twelve-year olds, structure.
They practice being adult and responsible with sudden short travels to rule-testing behaviors.
They may break rules as part of separation from parent.

It is the work of the caregivers:

Continue loving and offering safety and protection. Insist that the adolescent do regular household chores, participate in family ritual and celebrations. Expect the adolescent to support the physical, emotional, and social welfare of the family. Monitor adolescent’s friends and activities. Confront unacceptable behavior. Be clear about alcohol and drug use, and sexual behavior. Accept all of the adolescent’s feelings and talk about them non-judgmentally. Identify and support the ways the adolescent is becoming independent. Encourage growing independence and accept the identity that the adolescent is forming, which may be different from parents’ expectations or dreams for him or her.

What caregivers need to avoid:

Failing to insist adolescent does chores and does them for him or her
Protecting from consequences
Rigid rules or no limits, unequal enforcement, or refusing to renegotiate
Teasing about sexuality interests, fantasies, dreams, appearance or friends
Allowing adolescent to be exclusively with friends and excluding family
Allowing freedom without accountability
Keeping adolescent dependent
Providing too much stuff without adolescent’s effort to contribute or be responsible
Failure to monitor adolescent’s recreational activities
Neglecting to expect thinking and problem solving behavior